


This Is The Beat Of My Heart

by its_a_pretty_interesting_wall



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 40's bucky barnes, Angst and Feels, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Insecure Steve Rogers, M/M, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Smut, Song: This Is Gospel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 17:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18319751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_a_pretty_interesting_wall/pseuds/its_a_pretty_interesting_wall
Summary: If you love me let me goIf you love me let me go‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scarsThe fear of falling apartAnd truth be told, I never was yoursThe fear, the fear of falling apartOh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heartOh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heartOR“You need to leave me,” Steve tells him, trying his hardest to make himself sound emotionless.Bucky sits upright, pulling Steve with him so fast he startles him and Steve almost doesn’t hear the broken way Bucky exhales “What?”“Buck you know it’s what’s best. You have a week. Go find yourself a nice girl, you can marry her when you come back, have a family. You deserve that. You deserve to be happy,” he says. Defeat heavy in his words.





	This Is The Beat Of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Buckmesideways22](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buckmesideways22/gifts).



> This is my entry for [KC’s](https://buckmesideways22.tumblr.com) Sinning Is Winning Challenge! It was loads of fun to write especially since this is my favorite Panic! At The Disco song. It’s a bit angsty but I think it had to be for this one. A huge thank you to [musette22](https://musette22.tumblr.com) for basically beta-ing this and to [Amanda](https://stanclub.tumblr.com) because I’d never get anything written without you!

Steve can’t look back and pinpoint when he realized he loved Bucky. He has always loved Bucky. Steve will always love Bucky, of that he is certain. That might be the one thing he is certain off. He doesn’t understand how Bucky can love him back, he’s short, weak, his ears stick out of his too big head and his nose is crooked from being broken one too many times. And yet Bucky looks at him like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and Steve will never understand why.

 

He can’t even have a proper job. All he does anymore is draw adverts for the paper and try to enlist. It’s sad really, that his days consists of drawing, thinking about the war and thinking about Bucky. He can’t imagine how life will be like when Bucky leaves, all he can think off anyways is that there are men laying down their lives, and Steve’s life is worthless even for that.

 

He thinks of how Bucky should go on a proper date. Not like the ones he has to throw people off. No, Bucky doesn’t enjoy those dates. He’s told Steve that it’s an obligation, because society thinks they can confine love when it should be free, but Steve wants more than anything that Bucky realizes Steve’s not good enough. That what he really needs is a pretty girl that he can marry and have a family with, it’s what he deserves. Mostly, though, Steve thinks of how big the hole in his heart will get when Bucky isn’t there to keep him warm at night. To cover his face with gentle kisses each day, to make love to him. Steve wonders if he’ll even survive it. He’s not sure he’s strong enough.

 

**

 

When Bucky comes home one afternoon, two weeks before he’s meant to leave, he leans down to press a kiss to Steve’s cold, chapped lips. Steve thought he might cry right then and there. But it’s only a week after that that he does. He doesn’t really know why but the feel of Bucky’s lips was suddenly too overwhelming.

 

He had been pushing down his feelings but in that moment he realized that in a week he would be saying goodbye to Bucky. In a week he might be kissing him for the last time. In a week Steve’s heart will tear in two, and half of it will follow Bucky to ends of the Earth.

 

He can’t stop. He wants to, but now that his feelings have won over his logical side Steve isn’t sure he’ll ever stop crying. Bucky seems to understand it though because he pulls Steve into his arms and takes him to bed, and while Steve sobs into the crook of Bucky’s neck, Bucky runs his fingers through his hair, down the bumpy line of his spine, he kisses his forehead, and doesn’t speak until he feels his lover’s even breath against his skin.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks with his lips still brushing the skin of Steve’s forehead.

 

Steve closes his eyes and thinks. He really thinks of anything that could fix this. Anything at all that would make this situation better. They’ve got a week. Bucky is beautiful. The most beautiful person Steve has ever laid eyes on, and granted his vision isn’t the best but he knows a good thing when he sees it. He’s strong too, kind and gentle. Perfect. The word Steve’s brain is trying to find is perfect. And while doesn’t really know how or why he’s reached this conclusion he knows this is the only way.

 

“You need to leave me,” Steve tells him, trying his hardest to make himself sound emotionless.

 

Bucky sits upright, pulling Steve with him so fast he startles him and Steve almost doesn’t hear the broken way Bucky exhales “What?”

 

“Buck you know it’s what’s best. You have a week. Go find yourself a nice girl, you can marry her when you come back, have a family. You deserve that. You deserve to be happy,” he says. Defeat heavy in his words.

 

“What are you talking about?” That’s when Steve’s heart drops in his chest. When he hears the sob that gets lost in Bucky’s throat as he tries to speak.

 

“I’m not good enough for you. Never was. You deserve better.”

 

Neither of them speaks. Steve just hugs his knees and lays his head on them looking away from Bucky. He knows he’ll give in if he looks at his face, and he can’t do that. Bucky, however, is staring at Steve’s form, not knowing what to say. He’s not sure he can say anything at all. But Steve isn’t facing him, and his Steve never runs away from a fight, and while he’s not sure this is a fight he knows his Steve wouldn’t run from this either. He touches Steve’s shoulder, letting his thumb trace the gentle skin of his neck, and waits for the sight of those perfect blue and green eyes. When he finally does see them he says “No.”

 

“Bucky-”

 

“No,” and just as Steve is about to speak again Bucky leans into him and presses their lips together. Steve doesn’t get to talk right now, because Steve doesn’t get to decide what Bucky deserves. Bucky knows what he deserves and it’s probably not his perfect little Steve, but goddammit he wants him! He wants Steve and that should count for something. It has to count for something.

 

_Mine,_ he hopes his lips are telling Steve, _and I’m yours._

 

When he pulls away he finds Steve staring up at him, his lips red, swollen and beautiful. All of Steve is so beautiful, “Walk me through your logic,” he says, “If there’s any at all at play here.”

 

Steve looks at him with his big shiny eyes, trying so hard to not start crying again. And he is trying. He knows Bucky is the best thing that has ever happened to him and giving him up will be hell. But he can’t keep him. Because he’d be doing exactly that, keeping Bucky from a better someone, a better life. And he can’t. Steve loves Bucky far too much to ever hold him back like that.

 

“I’m just not good enough, Buck. Even if I was it’s not like we can. Not really. Not outside these walls. You deserve to be with someone you can love unconditionally. That’s not me, but it could be Dot. Or Mary. Or anyone else really, it’s just not me. Truth be told I never was yours.”

 

Bucky’s heart is breaking in his chest, “You can’t say that to me. Take it back,” he almost yells back with a sob, “Take it back.”

 

“Bucky-”

 

“Words are knives that often leave scars,” he says with more calm than he thought possible, “And these one just tore into my heart so take it back,” he’s openly crying now, and Steve can see the pain in his eyes. He wants to desperately to take it away. To erase the memory of his words from Bucky’s brain for ever. “Please, take it back,” he pleads one more time, and Steve wants to. So, so bad.

 

“I can’t. I can’t. It’s for the best, I promise. Besides, it’s how it is, God would never make us meant to be knowing the world wouldn’t accept us.”

 

“That’s bullshit and you know it! What did your ma always say about that?”

 

Bucky’s hand was holding up Steve’s chin. Their gazes set upon each other, “That God would never forbid people to love, regardless of who they need to love.”

 

“Then don’t you sit there and tell me about gospel, don’t you sit there and tell me you are not enough because you are everything. You are everything, Steve.”

 

Bucky pushes Steve’s slender body down on the bed and crawls between his legs, pressing himself against his body. He starts kissing Steve’s plump lips. Slowly slotting their mouths together, trying to remind Steve that they’ve done this a million times before, and Bucky could spend eternity with his lips against Steve’s, and he only wants that more when Steve’s tongue licks at his bottom lip, so Bucky parts his lips and his tongue darts out to meet Steve’s, it’s electrical almost, and neither one of them will ever grow tired of that feeling.

 

His hands are working fast unbuttoning Steve’s shirt and trousers because he _needs_ Steve’s bare body beneath him. He needs to worship Steve’s body, to tell him he loves him. So he sits up pulling Steve with himself and undresses him before he pushes him back onto the bed, and he starts. Kisses are trailed over every inch of Steve’s face. Bucky bites at his bottom lip, the soft exposed skin of his neck. He sucks a bruise onto Steve’s collar bone and pulls away to assess the look of it. Bucky finds that he likes it. He likes seeing his mark on Steve. He loves seeing his mark on Steve. So he keeps doing it. Down Steve’s chest, over his ribs, across his navel. One so very close to the pink, hard buds of Steve’s nipples. When he’s done they’re both panting, rock hard and Bucky is so completely overdressed. Steve’s nimble fingers make quick work of all the buttons, when Bucky is finally rid of his constricting garments he presses his body over Steve’s, once again bringing their lips together. He starts moving his hips, hoping to get some friction on his already leaking cock and he moans shamelessly when it lines up with Steve’s. And it feels so good, so Bucky presses down harder locking in the position and moving his hips faster. When Steve drops his head back onto his pillow and grunts in approval Bucky remembers this isn’t what he’s meant to be doing, so he pulls back. Far too quickly if you ask either one of them.

 

“No,” Steve almost sobs out, “come back.”

 

Bucky dips his head catching Steve’s lips in a kick kiss, “I’ve got plans, Stevie, I promise it’s worth it.”

 

And by God! Steve has no idea just when Bucky had time to come up with a plan but right now he just needs him back. He needs his weight on top of him, his lips, his hands, the feeling of Bucky’s dick against his own. Steve just needs it all. He looks over and finds him looking for something in the drawer by the bed. He triumphantly pulls out the can of slick they keep in there, and Steve’s never been more excited to feel Bucky inside of him, he just needs it so badly. Soon enough three of Bucky’s fingers are slicked and ready, and he kneels on the bed, right in between Steve’s legs. He lowers his mouth onto Steve’s flushed cock, and moves his right hand, his slicked hand behind his own back. Bucky drives his fingers one by one into his own hole and relentlessly fucks himself on them, twisting them, scissoring them, trying to relax the tight muscle. He’s moaning constantly now, a combination of his fingers and the feel of Steve’s heavy member inside his mouth, and Steve’s not even disappointed that Bucky is opening himself up instead. He just needs Bucky. Whichever way it happens, Steve just needs Bucky.

 

Soon enough Bucky’s mouth is leaving his cock, and Bucky is climbing over Steve’s body, he tugs on Steve’s hard cock with his slicked-up hand and lines it up with his hole. Bucky needs Steve inside him. He closes his eyes taking in the feeling of the head breaching him, and brings both his hands to Steve’s chest. Bucky lives for the feeling of Steve stretching him open like this, there’s no one who could ever make him feel this good, only Steve, always Steve. He slowly lowers himself, inch by inch. His eyes closed and his lips parted. His skin is flushed red and the way his head is thrown back is beautiful. Steve will never see anything as beautiful as Bucky Barnes while he’s making love to him. Steve will never see anything as beautiful as Bucky Barnes in any way.

 

When Bucky’s finally done lowering himself he opens his eyes and finds Steve looking at him like he picked a star from the night sky just for him, and Bucky would if Steve only just asked. He leans forward to kiss Steve, it’s far slower than he would have expected, but he likes it and when Steve’s tongue seeks Bucky’s he starts slowly moving his hips.

 

Nothing about this will be fast. Bucky doesn’t want fast. He wants to make love to Steve. He wants to show Steve how beautiful he is. So Bucky’s hips never pick up pace. He’s just riding Steve steadily with no rush to get anywhere, all he feels is Steve’s hands. One bunched up in his hair, one holding on to his hip. All he feels is Steve’s lips, so beautifully pressed against his own that Bucky can’t help but smile into the kiss. All he feels is Steve. And if he could just feel Steve like this, so deep inside him in every possible way, forever, then Bucky would forever be a happy man.

 

Steve’s hips start picking up some pace, meeting Bucky’s movements until he’s almost frantically thrusting up into him, and Steve lives for the moments he angles his hips just right and hits that sweet spot inside Bucky and he moans into his mouth. Then Bucky pulls away, his lips red and swollen from kissing for so long, and steadies himself, his hands still firmly pressed against Steve’s chest. He starts moving faster, changing the angle of his hips and Steve knows he’s hitting that spot every time if the look of bliss in Bucky’s face is anything to go by. And that’s good, because he doesn’t know how much longer he can last. So he wraps his hand around Bucky’s wet cock and starts to stroke it. When Bucky’s hips pick up pace so does Steve’s hand and soon enough Bucky’s spilling himself over Steve’s chest, moaning his name a million times while he does it. And the look on Bucky’s face, the feeling of him losing control like that on top of Steve is what finally pushes Steve over the edge and he spills himself inside Bucky so hard he almost blacks out.

 

When Steve opens his eyes he’s pressed against Bucky, his head in the crook of his neck. He kisses it, as a thank you. As an apology.

 

“Put your head over here,” he hears Bucky say as he taps his chest. And Steve doesn’t know why he wants that, but it’s Bucky so he’ll do it.

 

“This is the beat of my heart,” Bucky says, “ And when I’m out there, cold, hungry, afraid of falling apart, I’ll close my eyes and feel it. And I’ll do that because my heart beats for you. It beats for the look in your eyes when you say you love me. For the acceptance in them when I say I love you, even if you don’t think you deserve it. It beats for all the smudges of charcoal in your face that you never notice are there. And it beats for the way you love me, just like this, because there will never be a dame that I can make love to that will make me feel like this, and there will never be a man better than you to love. So this is the beat of my heart, Steve, it belongs to you. And I belong to you, so don’t ask me to leave you, or pretend that’s the right thing to do, because it’s not. Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

"What is this, punk?" Bucky asked, running his fingers through Steve's soft hair.

 

"The beat of your heart."

 

"And what’s it beating for?"   
  
"Me."   
  
"Yeah, and I'm never letting you go."   
  
In that moment, safe in Bucky's arms Steve let it sink that whatever time they had before Bucky shipped out could very well be their last. And if Bucky was to spend his last breath fighting for his life then Steve was gonna get himself there. _For Bucky? Whatever it takes_ , he promised himself.   
  
Whatever it takes.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to drop by [my writing blog](https://the-hell-i-cant-im-a-captain.tumblr.com) where you'll find rebloggable versions of all my fics, and by [my main blog](https://its-a-pretty-interesting-wall.tumblr.com) where I post about Marvel and how perfect I find Chris Evans, mostly.


End file.
